Phone in hand, pretending to listen is worse than not listening at all.

When we are not truly listening, we give the hazy nod or murmur of agreement to convey “Yes, I am listening, entirely.”

About four years ago, I had a supper with some friends, which I can still clearly recall. I had recently returned to the UK after twelve months of backpacking in New Zealand. As I drove to my friend’s place, I tried to picture what the night would be like.

It was always side-splitting when we all got together, and there would be a lot of laughs.

Since I had not seen them in a year, there would be a lot of embracing.

Many stories would be told (I would get to share my spectacular adventure).

Did this all occur? Yes, to a certain degree, but not in the way I had anticipated.

Actually, I felt a little irritated and disappointed as I left.

I was initially baffled as to why.

My pals were the same old entertaining individuals.

Even though I joked that I was “finding myself” while traveling, I felt like I was essentially the same person.

What, then, was different?

I was struck.

The ubiquitous mobile phones.

Selfies, videos, status updates, arriving and outgoing phone calls, and notifications plagued the entire evening.

Distraction, distraction, and more distraction.

There were times when you thought you might hear a pin drop as the four of us sat with our hands hooked to our phones, our faces lit by the brightness of our cell phones. Ironically, letting everyone know how much fun we were having on Facebook and Instagram that evening.

I was upset with my friends to start. However, I soon discovered that I was furious with myself. In the end, people in glass houses should not fling stones, and I was just as culpable.

Technology, social media, and intrusive mobile phones ruined what could have been—indeed, what should have been—an evening of being fully present with one another and giving each other our whole, undivided attention.

This evening felt like a return to reality because backpacking meant more campfires and thought-provoking chats under the sky. The majority of us find it difficult to put down our flipping phones.

What message does using our phones while occupied provide to the people around us, if we pause to consider it?

That night, I vowed to improve at this and to be more present when speaking with friends, family, and everyone else.

I did not want anyone to experience my feelings that night—unimportant and ignored.

When we fast-forward to the present, I am somewhat better but still far from flawless.

Although technology is a major obstacle to presence, it is not the primary cause.

The primary offender resides in our minds.

You have no control over when or what the mind will say when it sounds, much like a talking alarm clock.

For instance, I may be sitting directly in front of someone who is only a few millimeters away, but I may be mentally a planet away.

We pay attention to our thoughts rather than what the individual seated across from us is saying.

Hey, when I left the house this morning, did I leave the oven on?

I am hoping my breath does not smell bad.

Is my underwear tucking into my shirt? Why is the stranger in the corner laughing?

Or literally anything else. Anything. My attention may be briefly diverted from the person in front of me at any time by any other notion.

Fortunately for us, people can not always tell when we are not giving them our whole attention, especially if we are skilled at pretending to listen and can respond with something like, “Yeah, yeah, I get you.” Sometimes I feel like the person I am speaking to knows I have not been paying attention. I apologize and accept my humanity before we resume our chat.

However, we can be assured when someone is truly listening to us and being present with us at that precise moment. Definitely, since we sense it.

Such moments are difficult to describe, but you simply know.

It seems as though the outside world disappears when we are completely present with someone and they are the same. You experience the dance of connection, the resonance, the synchronicity, and the oneness, much like when you first fell in love.

That is all. This is the essence of presence, in my opinion. The unity.

Here are some of my favorite techniques for cultivating oneness and being present:

Eye contact

In actuality, the eyes are the soul’s windows. Making eye contact truly communicates that you are paying attention.

Listening to understand instead of listening to respond

If we are listening only to prepare our reaction, we are mentally trapped. Connecting with people has been made much easier for me by paying attention to what people are saying and how they express it.

Limiting distractions.

Technology is off. The world can wait.

Do you recall the good old days when there were only landlines and people would leave messages if they were not home and wait patiently for a response? Bliss. These days, we may be reached via email, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Messenger, smartphone, and more. My friend is flight mode. Flight mode is on whenever I want to be present.

Facial expressions.

I find that I can relate to someone lot more when I listen to them intently. Naturally, I will convey that I understand their feelings through my facial expressions. Everyone wants to feel heard.

I will be returning to the UK in a few weeks to spend time with my family. Actually, my beloved parents, older sister, younger brother, and I will all be spending Christmas together for the first time in six years.

Knowing that there will be families sitting in their living rooms all around the world, surrounded by their loved ones, but not truly present, makes me sad.

distracted by their own thoughts, their phones, or even their brand-new gifts.

This need not be the case. Together, you can play board games and have in-person talks.

In actuality, we do not have to wait for the holidays to establish this kind of connection because every discussion and every moment presents an opportunity to be in the moment with one another. However, the holidays are, in my opinion, excellent times.

More valuable than any present you give or receive this year is being surrounded by the people you care about the most and spending more time with them spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Be present this holiday season.